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Rejected by the New Yorker
johnrossbowie
Here's something I thought was really funny, and maybe the good folks at Shouts & Murmurs did, too, but they're not printing it. I am honestly - hand to G_d - not looking for pity, (seriously, no peptalks) but I thought this piece should see the light of day. If you've lived in New York you'll probably enjoy it, but really any dense megalopolis inhabitant will see a ring of truth. Maybe. The fuck do I know, I thought it was a straight, down the middle flyball for the New Yorker. Ugh, John, shut up, just post the fucking thing already.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR OUR APARTMENT SITTER:
Thanks so much for looking after our place (and Cosette and Eponine!). As we said, we can’t pay you, but the place is yours. Like all New York apartments, it has a couple quirks, but we think they’re charming!

First: the apartment. Please don’t go in our bedroom; it’s a disaster area and we don’t like people going through our stuff. But don’t worry, that still gives you the run of the remaining 180 square feet! Please do stay overnight, everynight, as we’ve had a rash of push-in rapings and we’d love knowing someone was there to watch the cats. The couch doesn’t fold out, but you should be fine since you’re under 5 feet (you are, aren’t you? Totally forgot to ask!) We’ve had a pretty bad bed-bug problem (exterminator called it ‘unprecedented’) so you might want to wash the cushions (there’s a Laundromat just 3 stops away on the J line!)

The TV: we get channel 2 and most of channel 4. The rabbit ears work fine, especially if you happen to be using silverware while watching TV. You’re welcome to use the DVD player, but there’s a Lars Von Trier movie stuck in there that Will. Not. Come out. If the weather’s clear, you might get a little free wi-fi from the curry place on the ground floor.

The Toilet: to flush, reach into the tank and grab the thickest of the three chains. Pull sharply towards yourself several times and that should do the trick (Number Ones, Only, Please!)

There’s no hot water.

The light switch to your right as you come in controls the overhead lights on the left, and the switch on the left also controls the lights on the left. The overhead lights on the right don’t work at all, which is why its so dark on that side of the room. Try not to trip over the knee-high Buddha statue. If you hurt yourself, there’s a hospital just 3 stops away on the J line. And definitely take the J line – cabbies can NEVER find the hospital.

Tread lightly on the wood floors, there’s a family (the Wallaces) with 4 kids under 5 downstairs. They’re doing that thing where they toilet train by letting the children just be naked, so watch your steps going down the stairs and try not to step in Wallace mess. Thankfully, there’s no one above us – the perks of being 7 flights up!

Our super, Koof, is always around, usually down in the basement with his chickens. When he’s awake (and sober – LOL!) he can answer any questions in Serbian.

Cosette and Eponine are both diabetic and require two shots each, daily, in their rear hind-quarters. Cosette also has an irriated prostate gland which requires regular maintenance (see attached booklet). Both cats are vegan.

And that’s everything! Have a great time in the apartment! Call us with any questions, although we usually can’t get reception in the Maldives!
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What do they know!! TNY rejects everyone anyhow. And have you read their short stories lately? Blleeeeccchhhh!

This is hysterical . . . and probably true!
Thanks for the good laugh!

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