Crazy couple of weeks. Jamie is all kinds of pregnant with our second child - a son -- and she's been working on a charming Fox sitcom called Brothers (she's Jolene, the hugely pregnant recurring waitress). I did another Big Bang Theory, airing November 23rd, and my episode features Katee Sackhoff. And me, but you're probably much less interested in me right now. Oh, and yesterday I had surgery. Elective surgery -- you know, the fun kind.

I started wearing glasses the summer before 5th grade. I was the lone kid with glasses for a few years there, before high school, where a bunch more pairs started showing up in class pictures. Around tenth grade, my eyesight really plummeted, and I needed to wear them all the time. My first pair were tinted on top, clear on the bottom, which struck me as a great idea. It wasn't. Between that and my requisite flannel shirt, I look like your gay dad.

When I became an actor (27) I initially booked a lot while wearing glasses, but I felt like it was time for a change, and I wanted the option of occasionally not wearing them when the part suited. Lasik was still in its awkward adolescence, so I got contacts. This was a big deal -- growing up, contacts couldn't treat astigmatism, and it was only in the 90s that they could. And lasik, at the time, was fraught with horrorstories. Problems with depth perception. Color distinction. Night vision. I was not about to have my eyes involved with any sort of beta testing.

So I wore contacts for 9 years. 9 years of getting up every morning and putting a foreign object on top of my eye. 9 years of remembering to take them out before a nap, or paying for it dearly. 9 years of having them tear or fall out -- one time on set. When I was supposed to drive a car. At night. In the rain. Look at the footage from that episode of Monk I did. You can see me, but I really can't see you.

When my last pair of contacts dried out while I was downtown, and Jamie had to drive me home, I said no more. At the recommendation of a friend I called the Caster Eye Center and made an appointment. The consultation was great -- I was shown the procedure room, a climate controlled lab where the Lasik is actually performed. Next to the operating table is a small assortment of stuffed animals that patients -- weak, softhearted patients -- can use. There's also a basket in the front for your old eyeglasses. They'll be sent to South America, to help nearsighted people in the third world. Nice.

Yesterday, Jamie drove me to the office in Beverly Hills. I talked incessantly the whole way there. "This guy? Doctor Caster? He did a bunch of the Lakers. And he wrote a book about it. And he had it done himself!"
Jamie screeched to a halt. "He did it to HIMSELF?"
"What? No, he - heh - he had it done himself. Wow." We laughed. "Yeah, he did his own Lasik. That ain't shit, ask him about his vasectomy." We laughed harder. I laughed really hard at my own joke, because I was increasingly terrified. Who signs on for this? How can this be possible? How can a laser slice open my cornea, refold it, replace it and thus correct my vision? What kind of Phillip K. Dick nightmare have I signed on for?

At the office, I sat down for a battery of tests. All the way thinking -- hey, in a little while I'm gonna have my cornea sliced open by a fucking laser. My uncorrected vision? 20/200 in my good eye, 20/stick and a dog in the other one. Between exams, Jamie pointed to a testimonial on the wall. Henry Rollins had had his lasik done here. If it was good for Hank, goddamit, I was gonna rise above and deal with this. then again, Rollins watched a dear friend of his die of a gunshot wound and toured in a van with notorious douchebag Greg Ginn. Getting a laser in his eye is probably no biggie.

I am given two Xanax, which make me feel good. I'm relaxed but still antsy, but also sleepy. And I wanna get this over with. I am taken into the procedure room. I kick off my shoes and lie down, and then immediately get back up and grab a stuffed Tigger from next to the table. It becomes very apparent that a third Xanax would have been in order. Looking directly into a green light, i have an anesthetic dropped into my eye, until it feels like an errant tooth. Anesthetic or no, I swear I can feel the cornea being cut and I let out a nervous squeal that escapes through clenched teeth. And then boom. It's over. Next eye, even less time. I sit up -- and I can see Jamie looking at me through the window. Across the room.

This morning I got up at 6 -- before my toddler -- and walked around the house looking at stuff. My beautiful sleeping wife. The dust that the light catches in the office. The palm fronds on the trees across the street. I went in to Dr. Casters for my one day follow up. Without squinting, I'm 20/15 in both eyes. My glasses, a slick pair of Giorgio Armani hornrims that I bought during a very pecuniary part of the early oughts -- are headed to South America.

Trust me on this one. Nothing happens for 45 seconds, and then the greatest pratfall in the history of the world occurs. It's a two tiered pratfall, and it's breathtaking.




if the above link doesnt work, try this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Azpr_qD-muU&feature=player_embedded

and my wife and I are on this weeks Curb.

Buoyed by a successful mini-tour of the Northeast corridor this past June, Egghead. reunites for three shows in two days. All in East Los Angeles. Stupid and futile gesture, party of 3?

Friday, October 16th
Juanitas
5930 York Blvd, Los Angeles in the scenic Highland Park neighborhood, where they had that big gang sweep a couple weeks back!

Saturday, October 17th
Garvanza Skate Park, Highland Park ALL AGES MATINEE! IN A SKATEPARK! I'M 38!
How to get there. MAP

Saturday, October 17th
LaBries -- formerly the Scene! -- 806 E. Colorado, Glendale CA
with the amazing Maxies! And maybe this band That's Incredible!!!
EVENING SHOW!!! FEEL IT!!!

We promise pretty different setlists for each show! New songs! Newish outfits! Older band members! You'd be foolish to miss it!!! Still don't know what I'm talking about? Go here:
Myspace.com/eggheadnyc

is this Rastafarian guy who carries a congo drum and a basket of percussion instruments around LA. He parks himself at Farmers Markets, spreads out a blanket, and parents bring their kids over to have a singalong (Wheels on the Bus, Old MacDonald, etc.) Now that you've got the scene:


I bring Nola over to Eddie this morning, plop her down and she immediately goes to work clanging some small baby cymbals together, more or less on the beat. Another toddler toddles over, takes the cymbals. Her mom intervenes (ALWAYS give the parent of the offending toddler a chance to fix things.) But then the mom turns away, and the Offending Toddler does it again. Nola doesn't seem upset as the O.T. begins to clank the cymbals arhythmically along with Eddie. Nola just sits there, staring at her, and then says "Oh. VERY good."

Mess with my daughter and she will patronize you within an inch of your life.

Couple things I feel I should plug --

This Monday, Barry Kripke, the most loathed CBS character since the guy who tried to rape Edith Bunker, returns to The Big Bang Theory. It's the season premiere in a new time slot -- set your DVR for "speech impediment!" This Monday, September 21st, at 9:30PM

Coming in October, Jamie and I appear on Curb Your Enthusiasm, in an episode also featuring Rosie O'Donnell, Chee Yun and Amy Pietz. Exact date TBA.

And then in November or so: Glee. Before you ask, I don't sing. I mean, I do, around the house, almost constantly, but I do not sing on Glee. Yet I am peripherally involved in a musical number. Exact time TBA.

Drunk and googling myself last week, I came across my wikipedia page (hang on, don't go there yet). The page, in its entirety, read like so:
John Ross Bowie (born May 30, 1971) is an American television and film actor and is most recently known for playing Barry Kripke in The Big Bang Theory, and modeling as the spokesperson for benefits at Target Incorperated "Ben E. Fitz". He also appears in commercials for Progressive, and appeared in the first Resident Evil film.

Not exactly the highlight reel that I would put forward. But all of it is true, except the last thing about being in the Resident Evil film. I didn't create my page, I don't ever edit my page, but somebody put this rather mundane falsehood up on WikiMe. And I twittered about it. And now there's an epidemic, because I am honored to know some of the funniest people in the country. Behold.

I am actually a little concerned that someone will think the first story (1991 cat-sitting) is true. I did spend the summer of 1991 in Upstate NY (Ithaca, where I went to college), was delinquent in my rent for a week or two, but never went near anyone's cat. THAT falsehood makes me sound somewhat douche-y. Now will someone help me find my taffy?

"As a German, should I find Inglourious Basterds offensive?"

I dunno. As an American, should I find movies about the slave trade offensive? I dunno. I usually just feel guilty and shut the fuck up. Good night.

"Hey, John. I am not yet sick of your Progressive Commercial. Are there other places I can see you this weekend?"
Sure. Glad you asked.

Friday at 8pm. I'm in a show at UCB called Four Stories and A Cover. I'm telling a story about the time I was an exchange student. In Ohio. A great show, with a terrific lineup. I might suck, but can always count on Matt McConkey and Michael Blieden. And Craig Anton's gonna sing, apparently.

Later that night, I'm doing standup at 12 Shiny Nickels, a great, lofi show at a theater in Hollywood. BYOB, but there's also cheap Pabst (the beer, not the German director).

Saturday Night, 8pm, back at the UCB with ASSSSCAT, which I haven't done in months.


And go see Inglourious Basterds, unless, of course, you hate Jews.

Herewith, Quentin Tarantino discussing his favorite 20 movies that have come out since he became a director:



If the above link doesn't work, a quick Googling of Tarantino Top 20 oughta get you there. I won't (publicly) disagree with him on anything, since I'm trying (quietly) to lessen the amount of negativity that I put up on the internet. But allow me to second a couple gems that I also think are awesome:

-SuperCop -- I was fortunate enough that this was my first Jackie Chan movie, and holyshit what an introduction. There is some stuff in this movie that takes my breath away -- please note that the stunt Quentin refers to is only the BEGINNING of the finale setpiece.
-Dogville -- Jamie and I saw Dogville in Paris (pretentious douchebag, party of deux?), and it's a helluva movie. It's another Lars Von Trier we-should-torture-our-lead-actress movie, but if you think it's going to end like Breaking the Waves or Dancer in the Dark, please do stick around because Nicole Kidman is about to fuck you in your skull.
-Unbreakable -- I'm gonna catch hell for this, but I really liked this movie. It's really smart and it's a neat way to deconstruct the superhero myth. This would have been an awesome franchise, but no ... Shyamalan HAD to make Signs.

Oh, crap, I just went negative. Ah, fuck it, it's Mel Gibson, he hates my wife just because she's Jewish. Talk about negative.

because this idea just totally choked me up --
@phampants: @redeyechicago We need to recreate the Ferris Buehler's day off St. Paddy's day parade in honor of John Hughes


Now, I'll grant you that it's not actually a St. Patty's day parade, it's some sort of German American thing, but still ... phampants has a lovely idea there.

@jakefogelnest My Mom just told me the news. My heart is aching. "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look around once in awhile you can miss it."

and then
@jakefogelnest The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.

A lot of that Bueller quote, obviously. To wit--

@tstashwick R.I.P. John Hughes. Life moves pretty fast, you don't stop and look around once in a while you could miss it.

A dark turn from Paul F
@PFTompkins Hughes? Hughes? ... Hughes?

And a lovely and specific thought from Jordan Schatz:
@wordluchador Pouring some gummy bears - warm and soft from being in my pocket - on the curb in honor of the passing of John Hughes.

all the way from Scotland

@gregbehrendt You have exactly 8 hours and 54 min to ponder the error of your ways. Any questions?

and my humble submission:
@JohnRossBowie is hoisting his wife's panties in the air, for all my nerd friends to see ... never forget ...


It dawns on me that everytime somebody dies, I write a really flippant tweet (cf. Is Danny Gans dead, or is he just doing an excellent Bea Arthur?") but I really, really, don't feel like making a joke right now. I saw Sixteen Candles in 7th grade which, uh, was YEARS after it had been released.* So I really don't feel like making a joke about this.


*or 7 days. OTA, kid!

That she's that.

Yeah, roast jokes are hard to write.

I really must recommend the Joan Rivers Roast that Comedy Central will be airing this Sunday -- Jamie and I got to go to the taping, and the funny parts more than made up for the awkward moments (looking at you, Mario Cantone). If you like a tightly written insult joke, then Greg Giraldo is your guy. He's a roaster the way late 90s Tiger Woods plays at golf. Do yourself a favor.

Comedy Central posted a promo video -- that's my old buddy Matt Israel at 00:52, offering to mic her. Yay, Matt!!!

named John Mathot tagged me in a note, asking that I do this:

OK, here are the rules. Test your memory and your love of live music by listing 50 artists or bands (or as many as you can remember) you’ve seen in concert. List the first 50 acts that come into your head.

I am blocked on my current writing project. So here goes, replete with commentary:

1. Go-Go's (first concert)
2. INXS (opened for the Go-Go's -- 1984, Radio City Music Hall. With my friend Portia, who now runs Kill Rock Stars. We bought the tickets and then went to see Ghostbusters. I am ancient. Like, Old Testament Ancient. Speaking of which)
3. Grateful Dead (WITH Brent Mydland or whatever on keys)
4. Howard Jones (with Howard Jones on Keys. Duh.)
5. Animotion (opened for Howard Jones)
6. Iron Maiden (just last year. More info here)
7. Anthrax (TWICE. Once opening for Maiden, and then another time opening for ...)
8. Public Enemy (on what my friend Mike called the Soothing Tour, as in "Wow, look at Public Enemy hanging out with Anthrax. How soothing.")
9. The Dickies (arguably the finest poppunk band in the history of the medium. Even though I've recently learned that lead singer Leonard is a Republican. Hearbreaking. I've seen them about 7 times and even got to open for them once in 1997.)
10. The Queers
11. Toots and the Maytals
12. Violent Femmes (on a crazy bill along with-)
13. Fishbone (and)
14. Blue Oyster Cult (THEME NIGHT AT CORNELL UNIVERSITY. Speaking of Cornell ...)
15. Jesus Jones
16. Ned's Atomic Dustbin (you let me know when I start dating myself)
17. Naughty by Nature (with warm up act and future Oscar Nominee)
18. Queen Latifah.
How about:
19. The Ramones (only with DeeDee. Just saying)
20. Superchunk (sooooo underrated)
21. Bob Mould (and Sugar a couple times, but I'll count them all together.)
22. Los Lobos (at a Washington DC Housing Rally. Also on the bill:)
23. Jefferson Airplane (Grace Slick was way the hell off the wagon, but she sounded great. But clearly drunk, and I'd be shocked if it was even 3PM. Still, though, "Volunteers" in front of the Capitol Building? HOLY SHIT.)
24. Tracy Chapman
25. Jesus, I'm only halfway through. Fine. The Cure, on the Standing on the Beach cash-in tour.
26. Public Image Ltd (on the Tour tour, supporting the Album album).
27. Phish. (Look, I went to college from 1989 to 1993, what do you want from me? You think that's bad?)
28. Blues Traveler. BOOM.
29. Dead Milkmen (close to a dozen times between 1987 and 2009)
30. Built to Spill. Great studio band, you might as well be watching the road crew live. Doug Martsch is born to play guitar, but is NOT born to be on stage. As opposed to, say,
31. The Hold Steady.
or even
32. Motion City Soundtrack
or maybe even
33. OKGO, who closed with the dance from "Million Ways" video. AWETHUM. Again, BORN to be on stage. Maybe not a band for the ages, but can put. on. a show.
34. Bob Dylan
35. The Alarm, who opened for Dylan.
Gotta go, so we're gonna speed through this last run:
36. The Toasters
37. Yellowman
38. Billy Bragg (who lectured on the virtues of a 'mixed economy' but also put on a fine gig)
39. Jon Spencer Blues Explosion
40. Yeah Yeah Yeahs
41. Ben Folds
42. Bad Brains (holy shit, that was a crazy bill. On the I Against I tour with special guests)
43. Circle Jerks (and)
44. Living Colour
45. Fugazi
46. Stevie Wonder
47. The Shins (see Built to Spill)
48. Pavement
49. Sonic Youth
and last but not least because he tore the roof off the Beacon Theater in 1985 and continues to do so yearly, no matter what:
50. Weird Al Motherfucking Yankovic

I like to see movies really late in their run ... I learned this lesson the hard way by seeing Napoleon Dynamite at the height of the Vote For Pedro fury and leaving inCREDibly disappointed. Its Zander Schloss' cameo in Repo Man spread over 90 minutes, and it grows tiresome really quickly. And I daresay America is a little tired with Jon Heders shtick, too.

I saw Juno after the hype, after the backlash, after the Oscars, and thought it was a sweet movie with some horribly self-conscious dialogue. I mean, sure, the second that kid said "honest to blog" I wanted to put my foot through the screen, but come on, the moment where Juno leaves the note for Jennifer Garner, that isn't lovely? Of course it is. Where was Christopher McQuarrie's backlash when he won for Usual Suspects*? Or is this really about her having the nerve to be an ex-exotic dancer who rose above her station? Is this feudal England, or do we let people better themselves here?

Blablabla, the point is, Jamie and I watched Twilight today and fucking loved it. LOVED it. Is it for teenagers? Yes, absolutely. Is it cheesy? Again, guilty as charged. Is it beautifully shot, smartly constructed and filled with great moments that capture what it was like to be a frustrated adolescent better than maybe any teenage movie since Heathers? Yes, yes, yes. It's very smart wish fulfillment, and on that level it works almost perfectly. TINY SPOILER ALERT: There's a scene where our heroine Bella is being harrassed by some thugs in a small town, and it frankly looks like its going to get awful and sexual very quickly, when all of a sudden her vampire boyfriend screeches to a halt right near her in a really nice Volvo, hops out of the car, starts at the thugs and the bad guys scamper off like little bitches. The vampire then takes Bella out to dinner.

If I were a 16 year old girl, my panties would be soup.

Good for you, Twilight. Know your audience ...




*I know, it's guy blasphemy to dis that film, but riddle me this: if he's Keyser Soze, and he's lied about the barbershop quartet, and everything else, is anything in the movie true? And have you tried watching it recently, knowing how it ends? By the way, I don't write SPOILER ALERT for things that were released over ten years ago. Bruce Willis is dead and Dill is actually a man.

I'm just writing other shit, plus there are 563 people hanging on my every word over at Twitter, and 563 people can't be wrong. Unless they're the population of Wasilla.

Went back east for an Egghead Reunion. Terrific time, despite New York's Olympic attempts to make people uncomfortable. I don't know anyone who has left New York, gone back and doesn't feel like Gulliver when he/she enters one of those teenytiny NY apartments. In the apartment I grew up in I'm the Hulk, clumsily stumbling through the darkness trying not to crash through the ceiling with my gargantuan 5 foot 8 frame. But it was lovely to see my mom, and Betsy and Ari, and Heather, and Steve, and Sean, and a fuckton of people from College that I haven't seen since the nation was really concerned about an offduty blowjob in the Whitehouse. And the shows themselves were great. Expect a new Egghead. record in 2010. Why now? Because there are actually some good songs that need to be recorded and because, Forgive Me, I still like having pictures like this taken:



On the off chance that you're reading this page and I haven't actually HANDED YOU A CD WHILE YOU'RE STANDING IN MY HOUSE, there are some free songs over at the My Space That The Kids Are So Into When Really They Should Be Reading Proust And Walking In The Snow Like We Did When We Were Younger.

Also, Bruno was fucking hysterical and ballsier than Borat and if you walked out you have deep hangups and resolute prejudices and probably secretly enjoyed all the fullfrontalmancock on display. And there's a lot. But again, if you're reading this, chances are you've been to my house and we probably agree on most things anyway.

The friend in question is my buddy Ana who, with the help of her husband Noah, released Paloma into the world this past saturday. Congratulations, Ana!

Thousands Cheer! War Ends! Poverty Abolished!

The left handed stepchild of Punk Rock, Egghead., returns for its first New York Show in 2 years!

This Wednesday, June 24th
at Lit Lounge NYC
93 Second Avenue
9 pm 6 bucks
appearing with Lost Locker Combo, The Kung Fu Monkeys, Noise Noise.
http://litloungenyc.com/litcalendar_june.htm


Here! Download some free songs from our myspace page!
http://www.myspace.com/eggheadnyc

Yeah. Totally the kilt.

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